So there I was, in the hot tub. I was in the middle of a very hot date and having a very good time. Sure I had been mindfucked every moment since he had first met me that night on my side of the water. An interesting ferry ride and a two-hour drive that included pain, humiliation, public exhibitionism, begging, screaming orgasms, and writhing around somehow on the floor while remaining buckled in also were a good beginning to the date.
Then we got there. And there was Duke. The dog did trigger an orgasm once licking my foot, but that was an exceptional situation and unplanned. He has since become a running joke. Still I must admit that the mere threat of peanut butter and rope is still quite effective torture, and I fear it. The dog's presence throughout the date kept me behaving...
Being presented and displayed in front of others, being commanded and obeying... The suspension bar... Me collapsing. That was my first 'yellow' that night. Or was it a 'red'? And all the fucking... the pain... More 'yellows', more 'reds'... Never stopping, just adapting... Bound, screaming, raped... And Duke was always near... My mind twisting in this state starting to wonder how that tongue would feel...
But wait. This isn't the Duke story. This is about the Scary Thing. Sorry. My mind wandered a bit there. A bit further than I like...
I do want to mention though that, for me at least, safewords aren't a deal breaker. I think of them more as directional. The scene should not stop unless I say it needs to. Please continue. Just choose an alternate route.
I also don't think safewords should be a goal, a 'trophy' to be attained. If the only point is to make me feel so uncomfortable that I safeword, there's no point in it for me. I just turn off my brain and leave. No safewords possible then. Those times aren't about me, though, and I understand that. I need that too, sometimes, but that is also a different story.
Anyhow, I was having a great time. After recovering some sanity and the ability to walk, we went out to the hot tub. A few dozen forced orgasms on the jet and some throat fucking got me back in the mood. His growling words in my ear and his hand wrapped around my throat had me responding in very primitive ways.
Where I was at during that time is hard to explain. There is not logic. There is not thought. That's why it is so important someone is watching over me that I trust. I am only functioning on my Reptillian Brain.
The Hindbrain
Having evolved hundreds of millions of years ago, the Hindbrain or the Reptillian Brain is the oldest part of the human brain. As you might guess from it's name, it's a piece of brain anatomy that we share with reptiles and is the most primitive. Likewise it's in charge of our primal instincts and most basic functions. Things like the instincts of survival, dominance, mating and the basic functions of respiration, heartbeat all come from this area of the brain.
So the wild animal part of my brain was running lose, and my body was getting off to everything... I hear I'm a pretty hot fuck in this mode. ;)
Then he stopped for a moment. He checked in with me. I like that he does that, but maybe not right at that second. I growled. It takes a moment to process the question if the higher part of my brain is just broadcasting snow, but eventually I can pull myself back enough to assess my status. "Green," I whispered.
"I want to try something." He wrapped his hand around my throat. I was floating, literally, in the tub with the jet pulsating on my clit. I was floating in subspace as well. I did understand he wanted to dunk me under the water. I got even hotter.
I love breathplay, but not for long periods. I knew this wouldn't be. He reads me well, and I trusted him. I swim. There should be no problem.
Of course, at that moment, none of those thoughts were actually in my head. I was operating on feeling and instinct alone. I just wanted it. I didn't have to say anything. I looked into his eyes, smiled, closed my eyes, and relaxed into the water. I waited, already imagining how peaceful it would be.
"Are you ready?" I nodded. "Take a deep breath." I did. His fist tightened on my throat, and I relaxed more. I was pushed under the water smiling.
 |
Instantly a billion things happened in my brain. I fucking FREAKED! I could see but my eyes were closed. Suddenly it was day. I could see the rippling surface of the water from underneath. I saw trees. A lake perhaps. I saw arms reaching down. Holding me down. By my throat. I saw a man's face above the water, but could not make it out. I was dying. I was being killed. I had to fight with everything I had to get air. I would have killed to survive. Logical or not, those feelings were as real as any. My fear level was about 15 on a scale of 1-10. Time passed. I began to gasp under the water.
He pulled me up. I had only been under for a second.
Coughing and snorting out water, I managed a "Red! On that. Red! Oh my God! Red."
He held me for a moment or two until I was breathing right, then continued on... using and abusing me in all sort of evil ways. He didn't put an end to the scene. He didn't pull me all the way back to ask a bunch of questions. He did it perfectly.
Knowing I was safe didn't stop my body's reaction to that level of fear though. The chemicals were already set loose in my bloodstream. A full-on complete panic, fight-or-flight, primal survival mode. And he had me pinned down. On the jet. With all safeties off on my sensory system... No brain to get in the way... That voice in my ear... The horrible things he said... The fucking... The submission... The surrender... All sorts of switches were flipping in my mind...
I hear I got really, REALLY, fucking hot then...
Needless to say I enjoyed the rest of the evening, both in the hot tub and out. More limits were pushed. I know screamed a lot. I probably growled a lot. I am sure I made all sorts of other funny sounds. I may have even said some interesting things. I probably safeworded another time or two. I don't know, though. I'd have to ask him, and he would just twist it into the beginning of another mindfuck.
(Thank you again by the way Eddie. I had an amazing time.)
The next day I started to wonder just why I had freaked so hard, so fast, and so unexpectedly. Every safety precaution was taken. I was aware, and consented. It shouldn't have happened. Something triggered my Limbic System. The 'image' I saw was completely vivid. Was it a movie I saw, a nightmare I had, a repressed memory? Again, with the rational part of my mind still shut down at the time, I can't quite grasp what it was. It was real to me, though. I caught a glimpse of something in my subconscious.
The Limbic System
The Limbic System sometimes called the "emotional brain" or "Old Mammalian Brain" is the next brain to have evolved in the more primitive mammals about 150 million years ago. This is where our emotions reside, where memory begins and where these two functions combine together to mark behaviours with positive or negative feelings. It's where mostly unconcious value judgements are made. Information going through the Limbic System are filed under "agreeable or disagreeable". It also plays a role in salience (what grabs your attention), spontaneity and creativity.
This is the part of the brain I like to play with. This part controls sensations, feelings, fears, body chemistry, and so much more. The only problem is, it's a very difficult area to access. If nothing else explains my masochism and submission, I use those to gain access to this part of my own personal universe. The universe within is far greater than the universe without.
Located in the Limbic System are:
- It's name is latin for almond which relates to its shape. It helps in storing and classifying emotionally charged memories. It plays a large role in producing our emotions, especially fear. It's been found to trigger responses to strong emotion such as sweaty palms, freezing, increased heart-beat/respiration and stress hormone release.
The Amygdala
- This guy is all about memory and a little about learning. It's primary role is in memory formation, classifying information, long-term memory. Like the RAM in your computer it processes and stores new and temporary memory for long term storage. It's also involved in interpreting incoming nerve signals and spatial relationships.
The Hippocampus
- It should be called the Hyperthalamus because it does so much. It's linked closely with the pituitary gland to control many of the body's functions. It monitors and controls your circadian rhythms (your daily sleep/wake cycle), homeostasis (making sure your body is running smoothly), apetite, thirst, other bodily urges and also plays a role in emotions, autonomic functions and motor functions.
The Hypothalamus
- The Thalamus is THE relay station in the brain. Most of the sensory signals, auditory (sound), Visual, Somatosensory (from your skin and internal organs), go through this organ on their way to other parts of the brain for processing. It also plays a function in motor control.
The Thalamus
Even searching for the picture for this post I realized I was hoping I would find something even remotely close to what I had seen. It would help me access that part again. It would explain something. There was surprisingly nothing in my picture search that even faintly came close. I even went as far as searching real murders, and fetish sites that cross all boundaries of legality and consent. Even snuff films didn't come close to matching my vision. Others helped me. Nothing seemed intense enough. It still hasn't. The photo here is courtesy of Pissgums. (Thank you for finding it for me.)
It's still not scary enough for the Scary Thing though.
I guess if I want instant access again to that part if my mind to figure it out, I will just have to do it all over again. I do just love facing a good fear...
| Wanton Wednesday pics are supposed to be of me or taken by me. I wouldn't want to break the rules. Click on the picture above for a one of a different part of the date... |
Do you feel like sometimes you want to be a little more than just half naked? A bit more than just slightly suggestive? For the weeks you want to play with the wicked & wanton crowd, feel free to join us on Wednesdays.
