Just a small part of one conversation while chatting with one of my "fans" very early this morning. Unlike most men, he has actually read the words on my blog... ;D (The Cpt. Aizen name was his condition for letting me use part of our chat.)
Cpt. Aizen: I really enjoy talking with you, you are kinda fun. But you'd never make it as my slave.ME: Why?
Cpt. Aizen: Why do I enjoy talking with you? Well. Many reasons, you provides a sub point of view, you are respectful but blunt, you are overly honest, and can give weirdly honest feedback for thoughts that affect us all. I'm glad you are on. I had a really bad night.
ME: Overly honest? And why would I never make it as your slave?
Cpt. Aizen: Yes, overly. It’s like you don’t fear retribution for your honesty. I like that. Well, I guess is because you don’t have a master anymore. But as for myself, while I enjoy and even approve of your blog, your IM 'statuses', chat comments, and other such seemingly 'minor' slights... well, add up quite quickly.
ME: Minor slights? I am behaving like a perfect angel...
Cpt. Aizen: It has said "wanton abandonment" for a day or two. You are not, and you know it. Perfect angel, indeed.
ME: I am living within my set rules.
Cpt. Aizen: What rules? You’re a slave without a master.
ME: I am married. Ultimately I answer to my husband.
Cpt. Aizen: Back in the day you'd be flogged.
ME: I would just like it.
Cpt. Aizen: Well oo-la-la, and when have you been faithful to your hubby? Slave??
ME: He has never asked me to, and knows I have other lovers. We have had an open relationship since before we were married 24 years ago.
Cpt. Aizen: These are the 'minor slights' that add up.
ME: Well, then, you are right. I would not be a good slave for you. http://www.slipperywhnwhet.info/2010/07/what-ive-learned-this-week.html
Cpt. Aizen: I’d spend too much time beating the past out of you, and less time beating the future into you. If that makes sense. It does, but is deeper on the BDSM level. Fun blog.
ME: I don't learn much from beatings. I enjoy them too much...
Cpt. Aizen: <~ Sadist. I know! Why beatings are sooo fun! This blog entry was quite cute though.
ME: Just mental rambling.
Cpt. Aizen: Awesome graphic too. I’m so stealing it.
ME: Wanted a devil with a halo...
Cpt. Aizen: Ha! Even metaphysically, your halo would burn up. You're no angel.
ME: I am very nice. A nice slut. Lol
Cpt. Aizen: Oh yes I’m sure you’re continually covered with honey and flowers... /sarcasm. No, you’re a slave. And lucky to be so.
ME: I was. I am not, nor do I want to be again.
Cpt. Aizen: ... You’re a freelancer?! ...
ME: Don’t want a relationship with that level of total submission again.
Cpt. Aizen: Freelance slave... seems a contradiction in terms.
ME: You say slave. I have never called myself that.
Cpt. Aizen: Uber-sub? I’ve read your blogs. You were a slave to his whims and desires. Even reading from your side of the blog.
ME: Sir had my total submission when I was with him.
Cpt. Aizen: Though I get it. I can understand not wanting that pain of separation again. But you are, what you are.
ME: Separation is too kind of a word to describe that...
Cpt. Aizen: Separation was meant to be a kind word.
ME: Then thank you.
I love getting an outside point of view, a different perspective, even when it is something I don't want to hear. In fact, that is the best time to listen.
Perhaps I had become a slave. I have had that thought myself. I gave myself willingly and completely. I no longer had the ability to say "no". The longing for what I have lost is so strong it has actually become a physical pain tearing at my core.
Right now the masochist part of me is sated and purring. The slut part of me is having a total field day! But the submissive part of me is hiding in a corner, nursing her wounds. She is very likely also busily building walls... I will just leave her alone. Only time will tell if she will decide to come back out...
"Submissive"... "slave"... the line had become blurred. The pain will eventually pass through me. (Breathe.) For now I will just be a "bottom"...