Finally got up the courage to just ask:
A little later after I thought for a bit:
Even later with one of my girl friends:
C: Is that how you feel?
ME: Yes
ME: Hurt. Sad. But not angry. And still want to be able to talk to him.
C: I'm so sorry
ME: At least I had a week to prepare for this...
C: Yes....I hope you get some peace finally
ME: When I sat down to write that last message I felt better. Sounded like he already made up his mind but didn’t know how to tell me. Lets him off the hook too, and hopefully we can still be friends. Never had a bad break up. Don’t want to start now.
C: Very good girl
C: I would have been so tempted to go off
C: You did a good job
ME: I really am not angry. This whole week I could not get mad at him. Trust me, I tried.
C: Wow....
ME: What was there to be mad at him for?
C: I don't know....I still am trying to understand the relationship....
ME: Supposed to be and was my teacher.
ME: Master, not boyfriend
C: Right
C: I am getting that slowly
ME: The dependence upon him was my own from giving myself so much
ME: Not reciprocated. Fondness perhaps...
C: I cannot imagine giving all that and NOT getting attached
ME: Well, I did
C: Or for him to dismiss that so easily
C: That is the part that I do not understand
ME: He was struggling still tonight.
C: Yes
C: And, maybe he will not
ME: ?
C: Dismiss
ME: The fondness or me?
C: You
ME: He has been online and active for one hour and five minutes since I sent that message
C: How do you know?
ME: He goes idle
ME: Still on
ME: Rarely idle
C: I'm sorry
ME: Don’t be
C: I really want to say something else, but I won't
ME: Say it
C: No....it's not right...I cannot pretend that I understand
ME: He just logged off. Bedtime.
C: But, if I could I would say he is being a big gifuckingnormous dickhead
C: There
C: Got it out
ME: lol
ME: He did nothing wrong. I fucked around, remember?
C: Is that what he is most mad about?
ME: No way to know. Told me a long time ago if I did it would be over. No questions asked.
C: Then why did you do it?
ME: Hello.... slut...
ME: Not really. Well, yes part of it
C: If you say so
ME: I have never been able to be faithful to any man
C: It's hard for me to get used to someone calling themselves a slut
C: I mean it's fine
C: I just have a hard time with it
ME: Would you prefer it if I just said ‘I love men'
C: There you go!
C: I like that
ME: Slut is easier to type...
C: True
C: But, it has such a bad connotation
ME: Not to us sluts...
C: It's kind of like you are taking back the word...yes?
ME: The power of the pussy.... lol
C: Yes
C: I think I am going to bed
C: Are you going to be ok?
ME: Yes
And the next morning (sent before he woke up):
Me: Good morning Mark. Nope. Too weird. I think I will stick with good morning Sir for now. I still feel great respect for you, even though you aren't going to boss me around anymore. ;P
Me: I meant what I said last night about considering you a friend. You will always be more than that, very happy memories, but I woke up this morning feeling good about this. I am sorry if I hurt you at all in this. The drama earlier last week had nothing to do with you. It was all about events in my life I wasn't bothering you with in your "happy place", compounded by my feelings of guilt for my own fucked up way of trying to "cope".
Me: It really doesn't matter what your reasons are. We are grown ups, and you weren't my "boyfriend". I would still love to be able to talk to you about anything, and know that you can still do the same with me. No worries about me trying to "change your mind" or "get you back". I never expected it to last forever. I never expected it to last longer than that first time. I know I am not Gina, but I understand why she still wants to be friends with you. I hope I can be allowed to do the same. You are an amazing man, Dom, and the best damned lover I have ever had. (That's saying a lot!) I pity the guy that thinks he will even be able to come close. :D
I really do feel good about this. I learned so much from Sir, and am so glad to have had what time I did with him. Now I guess I will have to occupy myself with some other cock(s). ;) No more Masters for me, though. I have learned to never say never, but not for any time at all in the foreseeable future. I will own myself.
